Thursday, March 22, 2007

Hollywood Denizens Kiss Each Other's Bums

Know what would be cool? If some other director won Best Director, and up he goes, then says "Ah, come on! We all know who deserves this," and calls Pete up to the podium and gives the award to him to thunderous applause.

Then all the actors and actors with breasts (can't call them 'actresses' any more) come up in long line, ignoring the officious little dweeb whose job it is to notify people that their time is up, and pile their little bald statuettes at Pete's feet, bowing down to worship him. He looks sort of like a short, hairy Joan of Arc waiting to be burned at the stake with all those gold testaments to Hollywood's self-absorption piled around him.

So then Pete gathers up the trophies and staggers back to his seat, laden with several hundred pounds of gold-filled symbols of something-or-other. He arrays them around his feet, like so many hobbits, and waits for the awarding of Best Picture.

Once again, the award goes to someone else, maybe Cold Mountain. The producers leap up onto the stage, but the trophy-babe (heh) refuses to give it up. The producers gather as a mass to one side of the podium, their faces wracked with conflicting emotions on national televisions. Greed and selfishness wrestle with the desire for public approval, and their political sense finally wins the fight.

"Come and get it, Peter," they say, the tears in their eyes possibly due to all the sappy melodrama, worthy of any movie-of-the-week in which a crowd chants 'USA! USA!'. Or it might possibly be caused by the sudden realization that they won't be able to lay claim to the title of 'Oscar winning', and they will thus never be as good or worthy as Bugs Bunny.

Pete gathers up his army of figurines, accidentally including Elijah Wood in the process, and heads for the stage. Elijah is trapped in Pete's armpit, smothering to death during the acceptance speech, and becomes Oscar's first martyr.

After, Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger get into a cat fight over who is going to play Bilbo in 'The Hobbit'. J. Lo gets into the act, announcing that her left buttock will play Bifur, and her right will play Bombur. The entire audience is outraged. They line up to kick her ass, and find that this actually goes fairly quickly, as they can line up eight wide and still all get a clear shot.

Elijah Wood is declared to be St. Elijah of the Kiwi Armpit, and a new memorial award is created, to be given to the Actor or Actor With Breasts that most exemplifies the Hollywood creed of Suffering for the Art. Jack Nicholson falls on his Viagra bottle in an early bid to be the first recipient. Ben Affleck points to Lopez, then himself, in HIS bid for the trophy.


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